Things I Hate, vol 7

Strap in, gang. This has a bit less writing style and a bit more righteous indignation than usual, but gosh darnit, I’m just peeved, Wally.

Behold, the modern “reporter” or “news anchor”. If you’re looking for an asshat with a strong opinion and a platform to spew it from, look no further. In fact, let’s just dive into a true Dangerboy rant with a massive condemnation of the entire 5 minute news cycle.

So, in case you missed it, some whack job went ballistic with a gun and offed some people who just happen to be involved in politics. Way to go, asshole. Thanks for being a complete and total fuckwad, and ending some lives, including a child. I hope they put you under the jail, fuckhole. That shit just puts my daddy rage on about 11.

But I’m not ranting about killers today. Today, I’m firing the broadside of my displeasure at the media that couldn’t wait 15 minutes before deciding that it was “THEIR FAULT”. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over?

So, somehow this is all the fault of the Tea Party? It’s the fault of the Democrats? It’s Palin’s fault? It’s Obama’s fault? I’m sorry, Olberman/Beck/Fox/CNN/MSNBC/etc. but I just don’t see how you can report this with no facts and no suspicion of fact 15 minutes after the event. Where did you get your degrees in journalism, Wossamotta U?

Furthering the insult, this tone has dominated the news cycle for the entire week. The political angle of the story rules with an iron fist, shoving seekers of actual news away like bouncers outside that really exclusive club you’re just dying to get into.

Boys and girls, you in the media need to tone it down about 43 notches and reduce the metaphoric decibels to something less than the flight deck of the USS Nimitz. Watching you talking heads pontificate on this is like watching Paris Hilton mudwrestle a declawed velociraptor, it’s silly and you know somebody’s going to sprain a brain cell.

More entertaining, less chance of aneurism.

Seriously, what does it say about your “noble craft” when the finest source of commentary on the whole situation is a freaking satirist on Comedy Central? It’s become a joke, boys and girls. And while we’re all distracted by the ping pong match of left vs right, a whole lot of people are getting rich on a whole bunch of lemmings following blindly along in the “hateTHEMathon” they’re pushing off as “news”.

Why the heck can’t we just get the facts, denounce the act, grieve, and move on? These jackwagons keep digging deeper, looking through the lens of their own agenda, to find the nefarious “Real Reason” that somebody could do such a thing. I’ve read no less than 6 so-called “real reasons”, and here’s the kicker: not a single one of them is actually based in fact. They’re all opinion, spouted into the air to drive the left vs right, red vs blue idiocracy that we’re somehow a part of now.

I for one am having none of it. Obama didn’t tell this guy to do it. Palin didn’t tell this guy to do it. Their metaphors of fighting and winning didn’t tell this guy to do it. Black Sabbath didn’t put it backwards on a record. It wasn’t Mickey Mouse.

As you can tell, I’ve gotten tired of it, gang. It seems every news story has to be political nowadays. Somebody loses their job? It’s Bush’s fault. Somebody gets sick? It’s Obama’s fault. Somebody’s dog gets run over? There should be an anti driving over dogs law, and it should be the democrats’ fault. Somebody shoots a spitwad at a teacher through a bic pen? They should be arrested for “deadly weapons” and it can be the Repuclican’s fault. The reporters are spending so much time telling us what we should be afraid of in the “if it bleeds it leads” bullshit, that they’re forgetting to tell us what happened today.

It’s gotten to the point where I’d rather watch documentaries on molds, spores, and fungi than any news program. I’d rather listen to William Hung sings the hits than any of these so-called news people make a single report. This newsertainment has to stop. Not only is it a bad neologism, it’s a bad idea, and it leaves my brain spattered against the wall from the monstrous aneurism I get trying to wrap my brain around the kernels of fact in the stories.

And so I salute you, the so called “News”. But I salute you with one finger. Guess which one. I hope you all grow up to be nice men and women, but for now, you’re just a bunch of disembodied heads on a TV screen screaming louder than Little Danger after getting his shots, craving attention and ratings. And don’t get me started on the politicians themselves…that rant will go on for days.

On a more serious note, I truly agree with that Satirist, Jon Stewart, in his sentiment to create a better world after each tragedy we encounter. Let's not be politicized by this, but remember that we can disagree without hatred. Whatever side of the aisle we profess allegiance to, whatever cause we choose to champion, the other side are not enemies but merely us, with different views. Save your hate for something really worth it. I suggest spewing it out in silly rants that make people laugh, where it is released and transformed and can do no harm.

Also, fellow Americans, try the BBCA news if you have access to it. The Brits do a good job of not having a strong opinion about our issues, it's refreshing.