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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Things I Hate, vol. 4

The Bully Edition

I have noticed a very huge trend on the series of tubes: a profound outcry against bullying. As you may have guessed, I have strong opinions on the matter, and so I’m going to join this dogpile in a special Dangerboy cannonball.

Behold: the bully. They come in all varieties, and all ages. In short, they suck. But since a two word blog entry is somewhat... disappointing, I shall continue.

The Geek may be ascendant, but the previous Age of Man was the Age of the Bully, and we the Geeks remember each time we had to run home from the bus stop to reach the protective sphere of our parents. We the Geeks remember each taunt, each wet willie, every wedgie, all the “pick that kid last” moments, and every fist to the face. We remember every insult, and all the witty retorts that earned us an ass-kicking. But since we all follow Wheaton’s Law, you bullies have lived a relatively revenge free existence. That’s because we get laid more than you do now. A lot more. So in a way, we already have our revenge…more money and more nookie. Oh yes, our revenge is both sweet and complete.

As I reflect, I’m pretty sure that bullies are much like dung beetles. To go for the cheap joke, they have a shitty attitude. I learned when I was 5 that you are what you eat, so there’s that…dung beetles. The second similarity is the metamorphosis. You have your larval bullies and your adult bullies. They must be dealt with in different ways. And the third is that whole “rolling in shit” metaphor.

We begin with the larvae of the specie. See, a larval bully is fixable. Love and assurance and all that. They are usually just hurting in some way, and bully the larval humans around them to get attention, or to feel good for a bit. Note to larval bullies: discover masturbation…it feels SO much better than hurting another larval person. For that matter, discover Amsterdam. Legalized hash and prostitution could do wonders for your stress levels. If you’re not old enough for these activities, then take up a fucking hobby. And a note to those with larval bullies in your lives: you can keep them from becoming adult bullies!

As for adult bullies, they should fucking well know better. Their root cause is a bit different, as they’re usually afraid. And we all know that fear is the mindkiller. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering through Hayden Christiansen’s shitty acting while George Lucas rapes our childhood memories. Not that I’m bitter.

Rather than conquer their fear, the adult bullies lash out, teaching their larvae to do the same. Consider: the fuckwads that get in a group and beat up gays would feel better if they’d just give each other a reacharound instead. Sadly, they’re afraid they’ll like it. Or that gays will somehow destroy marriage with their huge gay steamroller. Or that they will secretly enjoy having fabulous shoes. And so they hurl the names, and the fists, and teach their kids that being different is wrong, because the invisible man in the sky will hate them forever.

It’s human to be fearful and insecure. But it takes a true asshole to pass those conditions on to their kids, whatever the source of fear. Be it race, sexual preference, religion, weight, IQ, clothes, favorite football team, hobby, or odd resemblance to a lemur, it’s just not OK to teach kids to hate other people and dehumanize them. OK, maybe the lemur people. They’re just fucking freaky. Lions fans, too…and I think maybe the Venn diagram for lemur people and Lions fans is just one big freaking circle.

Sadly, it’s now easier than ever to be a bully. We have the power of anonymity these days, hurling our insults with incredibad spelling from behind screen names and “anonymous” tags that keep us safe from receiving the ass-kicking we would richly deserve when we call them ostrich raping sons of whores who just happen to be doodyheads. Or whatever we call them.

Every bully I’ve ever met, I have to resist the urge to hop to the top rope and drop the People’s Elbow on them. Metaphorically, of course…remember I have an allergy to pain. See, I was bullied often as a kid, being an easy target. I weighed 125 lbs soaking wet and was the brainy gamer kid. This is what the military calls a “soft target”. During my high school years, I lived the life of the duck at the Old West Shooting Gallery, waiting for the next shot. I’m glad to say that I changed the majority of that just by graduating, and gradually have learned how to defuse most adult bullies with the tools of ridicule and just plain ignoring them. Don’t feed the trolls, and all that. It’s been a long slog, but I suppose I’m better for it.

And so, for all you are, I salute you, bullies. But I salute you with one finger. Guess which one. May you suffer two atomic wedgies for every one you dish out.

I’ve got plenty of bully stories from my younger days, and maybe I’ll share one or two here later. In the meantime, for a more poignant look at the topic, I suggest this blog entry as a really inspirational read. Get out there and save some larvae…some of those dung beetles would make much better butterflies.

Also, a very special thank you to the Wifefish for the fantastic art in today's blog.

Also, a note to the Detroit Lions. No offense guys, please don't kick my ass for this. It's just a blog, and I'm sure you'll have a winning season SOMEDAY. But really...what is with the lemurs?


  1. Well said. Picking on someone because they are different is sad. However, dissing on someone's jackass behavior (like Paris Hilton and those other fame whores) is completely different. Bullying = bad. Taking the piss at the ridiculous antics of celebutards = amusing. Big difference.

  2. I completely agree. When adults make themselves targets, it's on like donkey kong.

  3. so i saw the words 'atomic wedgie' and felt like i had to follow you.

    loves it!


  4. Because you are my new hero I've given you an award! Come check it out. It definitely fits you! :)

  5. v: Thank you. They're much better words to write than to experience, believe me.

    Jumble: And thank you very much. I'll come check it out soon, about to cruise out the door for a few days of offline shenanigans.

  6. I've never understood why anyone would find pleasure in being a bully. But I see it all the time, and I can't help pitying the poor fools.


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