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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

We Hold These To Be Self-evident

There are certain truths that pop up in conversation. They may not even be actually true, but they are so widely accepted that they became something you can rely upon. Bring up topic X, get response Y.

Example: If, in a conversation, I say Charlie Sheen, I know that I am going to hear the word “Batshit” in the next 10 sentences. If I say “politician”, I know that I will hear “corruption”, or some version of the word. Granted, sometimes these truths are anything but. Once upon a time, you could say “the world” and you would hear “is flat.” Hell, you can still hear people say Snooki is doable without a paper bag. Some truths are subjective, then, and those we cling to rely greatly upon our point of view. (+10 geek points if you’ve sensed where this is going…)

One of these communal truths that continues to pop up in my social circles surrounds the Star Wars movies. Go on, laugh. And yet, it keeps happening. What is the general opinion that resoundingly echoes across the cosmos; the undeniable juggernaut of logic, the irresistible force that has a light side and a dark side and binds the geekiverse together? Hayden Christensen sucked as Anakin Skywalker.

It’s been years since the films came out, and yet I can still do a one minute countdown anytime the movies come up in a conversation before someone will crack on the Wooden Man. I have yet to surpass that minute, in any social circle. To contrast, it takes 3-5 for somebody to start ripping on Jar-Jar.

Let’s face it; the poor guy stunk on ice. I can’t watch him pour his heart out in the Padme/Anakin post supper scenes without checking to make sure I’m not actually watching Days of Our Intergalactic Lives.

Amongst a cast of players that were big names, were good or even great talents, and drove the story, Hayden stuck out like a chafed nipple. He sucked like a Dyson. He stunk up the joint like Skunk Asshole Soup. For all the nuance he brought to the character, he could have been replaced by a sock puppet.

It's a casting choice I would love to see.

Of course, that doesn’t stop me from watching the films with Little Danger, and I’ve already started a small stockpile of action figures for birthdays and Christmases to come. It’s the least I can do to help support a 6 BILLION dollar merchandising industry based around 6 films and some cartoons. Billion, with a “B”. Holy Carp, I need to design some Dangerboy action figures!

Ladies and germs, a big round of applause to Wifefish for really nailing the Sock Puppet Anakin artwork.


  1. I can barely watch the movies with Hayden Christensen. I want to smack his whiny ass and tell him to grow a pair.

    Clearly, he bring out my dark side, er, I mean, my best side.

  2. Is he really that much more shitty than Luke SkyWhiner?

  3. I've NEVER seen the one with Hayden in it.

    Also, awesome job to wifefish. AND I would totally buy a dangerboy action figure.

  4. Not my genre of films but you totally had me at skunk asshole soup!

  5. You could start with the sock puppet! I'll bet LD would like that. ;)

  6. I rejoined twitter just so I could follow Charlie Sheen. Its kind of awesome #tigerblood

  7. @Daile Clearly. ;)

    @Brian Somehow, I don't think Hayden will redeem himself in voice work. Too flat.

    @Jumble Never? That'll change when you have progeny. Trust me.

    @Empress Somehow I KNEW you would like that sentence.

    @Jayne I'm sure he would. At current, he loves the moose puppet we have. I can always get a giggle out of "MOOOOOOOOOOSE on the LOOOOOOOOSE!"

    @jarhead Gotta hand it to the guy, he's managed to flame out spectacularly.

  8. Oh, this flameout is beyond spectacular. So far he's claimed to be an extraterrestial rock star and a half-man, half-tiger. That, and "healed" in rehab in one week. Sometime next year I expect him to be found dead in a mountain of cocaine and heroin, with a half dozen porn starlets beside him.


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